Writing like this is why Rachel Lucas’s blog has become a daily read: she took a rather boring meme and jazzed it up.
WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? WHAT INSULTING NICKNAMES WERE YOU CALLED IN CHILDHOOD?
Booger boy in the fifth grade: I had a runny nose and my mother didn’t provide me with enough tissue that day.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? WHEN YOU CRY, DO YOU LOOK UGLY, OR DOES IT GIVE YOU A BEAUTIFUL SAD GLOW?
I don’t know. I never saw me cry.
DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? ARE YOU FORGETTING HOW TO WRITE BECAUSE YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON THE COMPUTER?
I wrote chickenscratch all the way through high school, now I have earned my Ph.d as a doctor of medicine in this area: only pharmacists can read it.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? DO YOU THINK VEGETARIANS ARE INSANE? (BECAUSE THEY ARE.)
It is because of the progress since the start of the Industrial Revolution that people have had the luxury to create such novel eating patterns.
DO YOU HAVE KIDS? DO YOU LIKE KIDS? IF SO, WHY? WHY, IN THE NAME OF GOD?
Because I was a kid once.
IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? IF YOU WERE A DOG, WOULD YOU LICK YOURSELF JUST BECAUSE YOU COULD? DON’T TRY TO DENY IT.
DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? ARE YOU AS FRIGHTENED OF CLOWNS AS YOU SHOULD BE IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU?
Yes, be wary of clowns. Especially if their name is Pennywise.
DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? IF YOU COULD BE EITHER VERY BEAUTIFUL OR VERY SMART, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WHY?
Smart because knowledge is power. Beauty is only skin deep and lasts for only a few years in your twenties; ugly, which lasts the rest of your life, goes to the bone.
WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? HOW MUCH MONEY WOULD YOU REQUIRE TO HAVE INTIMATE RELATIONS WITH MICHAEL MOORE OR ROSIE O’DONNELL (DEPENDING ON YOUR SEXUAL PREFERENCE BUT DOES THAT REALLY MATTER WITH THESE TWO)?
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CUSS WORD?
Fuck. It can be used as a noun, pronoun, verb, or adjective.
DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? IF YOU’RE A MAN, HAVE YOU EVER CAUGHT YOUR JUNK IN YOUR ZIPPER? HOW BAD DID IT HURT? IF YOU’RE A WOMAN, HOW GLAD ARE YOU THAT YOU’RE NOT A MAN?
Have I ever? Every man gets it caught. This is like asking if a woman ever gets cramps at that time of the month. And yes, it does hurt.
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO GROW OLD OR DIE TRAGICALLY YOUNG?
‘Going to grow old?’ I am old! At least I was considered to be so when I was laid off last year since I had to sign a waiver of rights to sue for age discrimination to get the huge chunk of severance cash.
Oh, and I’ve been getting AARP letters for almost 15 years.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? DESCRIBE YOUR MOST RECENT NIGHTMARE.
I don’t dream. At least, I don’t ever remember them.
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? DO YOU WISH THAT, INSTEAD OF PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION DEBATES, THEY INSTEAD HAD TO BOX EACH OTHER, BECAUSE THEN THERE’D NEVER EVER BE ANOTHER DEMOCRAT IN THE WHITE HOUSE?
Nah, I’d rather have a WWE-style cage match. Now that would be sweet.
RED OR PINK? ABBA: THE BLONDE OR THE BRUNETTE?
Neither one ever captured my interest.
WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? WHAT DISEASE DO YOU MOST FEAR CONTRACTING?
I don’t fear any of them. I am going to die one day, no matter what I do or where I go, so no use worrying about it.
WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? WHO DO YOU MISS THE LEAST?
Too many to count. There’s a reason that Todd Rundgren’s 1978 album is my all-time favorite title: Hermit of Mink Hollow.
WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DO YOU HATE SHOPPING FOR NEW CLOTHES (10 BEING SO MUCH YOU’D RATHER CLEAN THE CAT BOX WITH YOUR BARE HANDS).
10. That’s one reason why I no longer work in an office, having changed my career choice to welder/sheet metal worker.
WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE BEFORE THE LAST TIME YOU THREW UP?
I can;t remember the last time I threw up. I know I’ve done it since the time I got really drunk (see below.)
WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? NAME FIVE “CLASSIC” POPULAR SONGS YOU HOPE YOU NEVER HEAR AGAIN AS LONG AS YOU LIVE.
Actually, there’s only one on the loathing list: Led Zeppelin’s D’yer Maker. Ecch.
IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? IF YOU WERE A DOG, WHICH BREED WOULD YOU BE?
Pit bull. Just because Rachel likes them so much; also so Sunny can kick my ass and get rewarded by laying up on the couch again.
FAVORITE SMELLS? FAVORITE BODILY FUNCTION? (COUGH, SNEEZE, BELCH, POOP, FART, YAWN, ETC)
Heh. Ejaculation during conjugation.
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU HAD A HUGE FIGHT WITH, WHAT WAS THE FIGHT ABOUT, AND WHO WON?
My wife. Money. Nobody won, because neither ended up happy on the end. As my union steward buddy used to say, you know the contracts good when nobody likes it.
FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? AS WE ALL KNOW, PRO FOOTBALL IS THE ONLY SPORT WORTH CARING ABOUT. IN LIGHT OF THAT FACT, WHO IS THE BEST NFL QUARTERBACK OF THE LAST 10 YEARS? BEST RUNNING BACK? BEST WIDE RECEIVER? BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER? BIGGEST PRIMA DONNA? WHINIEST BITCH?
Best Quarterback: Tom Brady, unless Peyton Manning wins another Super Bowl, because two championships and a slew of records will eclipse three championships. This is still yet to be determined, and will be so only after both of them hang it up.
I also add that the question is specifically the last ten years. If the question was the best active QB, it’s Brett Farve, hands down.
Best Running Back: LT. Nobody else even comes close.
Best Wide Receiver: Marvin Harrison, with T.O. not far behind.
Best Defensive Player: Brian Urlacher. Da Bears defense is the league’s best, and Urlacher is the centerpiece.
Biggest Prima Donna/Biggest Whiner It takes some kind of player to whoop Randy Moss in this combined category. T.O. is some kind of player.
HAIR COLOR? BALD MEN ARE VERY SEXY. DISCUSS.
I agree. Yes, I’m bald and sexy. Yes, I’m biased.
EYE COLOR? THE INVENTION OF THE PILL IS A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO BELIEVE IN GOD. DISCUSS.
It didn’t take the pill for me to cultivate a belief in God.
DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? DO YOU HAVE PERFECT VISION? IF SO, RACHEL LUCAS ENVIES YOU WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND GALAXIES.
No, so no need to envy me.
FAVORITE FOOD? FOOD YOU FIND SO REPUGNANT THAT YOU SIMPLY CANNOT BELIEVE OTHER PEOPLE PUT IT IN THEIR MOUTHS?
Cottage cheese. Brrr…I get cold chills just thinking about it. Also chitlins, which I’ve long called shitlins.
SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? WHEN YOU GO TO THE MOVIES AND THE JERK BEHIND YOU KICKS YOUR SEAT CONSTANTLY, DO YOU IGNORE/MOVE OR DO YOU CHALLENGE THEM TO FISTICUFFS?
I eliminated the problem by not spending money in movie theatres…or at least going when the place is fairly empty.
LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED THAT MADE YOU GET ON YOUR KNEES AFTERWARDS AND BEG GOD TO GIVE YOU THE LAST TWO HOURS OF YOUR LIFE BACK?
I am so picky with movies that this never happens. I’ve gone to the point of visiting spoiler sites to find out if I’m going to like the movie. Which brings up: why do some people get so upset if they find out the ending to a movie, to the point of claiming they won’t bother seeing it? I always want to ask if they ever see any biographical pics, since they obviously will know the ending?
WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? DO YOU EVER PUT CLOTHES ON YOUR PETS?
SUMMER OR WINTER? BEER, WINE, OR LIQUOR?
Liquor. Beer is disgusting and wine is too high class.
HUGS OR KISSES? FALL ASLEEP OR CUDDLE?
Fall asleep while cuddling.
FAVORITE DESSERT? FAVORITE FOOD THAT YOU KNOW WILL KILL YOU EVENTUALLY BUT YOU DON’T CARE BECAUSE IT IS JUST SO FREAKING DELICIOUS?
Italian pasta. The kind that you can actually feel your arteries harden as you eat, and two helpings are required to avoid insulting the women who cooked it.
WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO DISGUSTED BY A BOOK’S ENDING THAT YOU VIOLENTLY DESTROYED THE BOOK?
Nope. I simply took it to a used book dealer..
WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? DO YOU HAVE P0RN ON YOUR COMPUTER? DON’T LIE.
Depends on what you consider p0rn.
WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? TRUE OR FALSE: “REALITY” T.V. IS THE BEST REASON FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD TO HATE AMERICA.
I hate reality TV, so its true.
FAVORITE SOUND? FAVORITE DRUNKEN SLATTERN: PARIS, LINDSEY, OR BRITNEY?
Brittney. Only because the first two don’t count.
ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? MOST DESERVING OF CHUCK-NORRIS-STYLE ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE THROAT: AL GORE OR JESSE JACKSON?
The GoreacleTM. Jackson has become insignificant.
WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? WHAT HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME YOU GOT DRUNK? ‘FESS UP.
I passed out; I got sick with the dry heaves. Boring, isn’t it?
DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? IF YOU COULD HAVE MAD SKILLZ IN DANCING OR IN SINGING, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WOULD IT BE FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL SATISFACTION OR TO IMPRESS OTHER PEOPLE AND POSSIBLY GET SOME ACTION?
I’m a church soloist, so I already have “mad skillz.” Did it ever get me some action? No.
WHERE WERE YOU BORN? IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPERPOWER, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WOULD YOU USE IT FOR GOOD OR EVIL?
Wolverine’s power: to cure any wound, heal any disease; extensions of that talent sharpens all five senses.
WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? IF YOU NEVER SEE ANOTHER Q&A MEME AGAIN, WILL IT BE TOO SOON?
Update: I corrected some spelling errors and other nonsuch. I’m telling you this in the interest of full disclosure.
I also want to add to one of my answers:
RED OR PINK? ABBA: THE BLONDE OR THE BRUNETTE?
Neither one ever captured my interest.
Female singers/musicians that did capture my interest in the 1970s?
Ann & Nancy Wilson.