Reality and Sanity

July 28, 2007

No. 754

Filed under: Uncategorized — Paul @ 3:41 am

Bonds on brink after hitting homer 754.

SAN FRANCISCO — Barry Bonds didn’t want to leave home this weekend without at least one.

And now after hitting No. 754, Bonds stands a single homer away from tying Hank Aaron’s Major League Baseball career-best 755 and two from passing him into first place on the all-time list with only two games remaining on this homestand.

“It’s very hard to explain right now because I really can’t tell you every emotion that’s going through my body,” Bonds said after the Giants held on to defeat the Marlins, 12-10, at AT&T Park on Friday, their fifth win in eight games since the big media crush descended on his chase. “This city is great. The fans are fantastic. I don’t know how to say thank you enough to them. Not only for myself, but for the organization.”

The homer, his 20th of the season, came after seven games of silence and was hit off Florida Marlins right-hander Rick Vanden Hurk with two outs in the first inning at AT&T Park. Coming on a 2-1 pitch that Vanden Hurk called a changeup and Bonds termed a fastball, the smash went into the bleachers left of center and was his first off a pitcher of Dutch descent. Vanden Hurk was the 444th pitcher who has allowed at least one homer to Bonds in his 22-year career.

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July 22, 2007

A Least Give Us a Better Picture

Filed under: American Uniqueness — Paul @ 9:24 am

Bikini Clad Women Mowing Lawns.

MEMPHIS, TN — Showing skin is giving one start-up company a boost in business.

Tiger Time Lawn Care has been on the books for only three months but their offer to cut lawns in bikinis is already catching on.

Some may say they’re loosening the Bible belt in this Mid-South neighborhood.

Ladies are cutting lawns wearing bikinis, offering more attention to your lawn than it has ever seen.

“Oh yeah, they honk and yell. They can do everything you can imagine,” said Blair Beckman.

Beckman, 21-years-old, said cutting grass in her bikini beats her former jobs as a waitress and a clerk at Family Dollar.

“You get the attention but you also get a tan, which I need,” said Beckman.

They call themselves Tiger Time Lawn Care and they’ll send the shapely “tigers” in bikinis for a slightly higher fee than a normal grass cut.

“We had a couple of customers sitting in lawn chairs drink beer just enjoying the bikini cut,” said Tiger Time Owner Lee Cathey.

Lee Cathey is retired from the Air Force, a native Memphian and the boss behind the bodies.

“The yards definitely get more attention when there’s a bikini on the lawn,” said Cathey.

The concept seems to be successful and they’re looking for more business opportunities post-summer.

“In the fall we’ll go pick up leaves in the bikinis if need be,” added Cathey.

It’s a service specializing in lawn care and using its sex appeal to market to the Mid-South.

Ladies, if you’re wondering if Tiger Time has a service where men come out in their swimsuits, they do not.

They say they’ve had no requests for the service.

Woman Faces Charges for Kissing Painting

Filed under: Uncategorized — Paul @ 9:14 am

This story will cause a new sign that says “Don’t Kiss the Artwork.” At least that’s what happens in guitar stores.

MARSEILLE, France (AP) – A woman has been arrested on suspicion of kissing a painting by American artist Cy Twombly and smudging the bone-white canvas with her lipstick, French judicial officials said Saturday.

Police said they arrested the woman after she kissed the work on Thursday. She is to be tried in a court in the southern city of Avignon on Aug. 16 for “damage to a work of art,” judicial officials said.

In some circles, if she was dressed for noir while holding a poodle on a leash in one hand and a gun in the other, such a juxtaposition increases the value of a painting.

Celebrated Author Can’t Get Published

Filed under: Uncategorized — Paul @ 9:08 am

This is why self-publishing is a rising trend: Publishers fail to spot plagiarized Jane Austen.

LONDON (Reuters) – Even Jane Austen would have trouble finding a publisher today, a struggling author revealed Thursday.

David Lassman sent off to 18 publishers assorted chapters from Austen novels in which he changed just the titles and the names of the characters.

He called himself Alison Laydee after Austen’s early pseudonym “A Lady.”

Seventeen publishers rejected or ignored his bid for literary glory. Only one spotted the ruse and told him not to mimic “Pride and Prejudice” so closely.

Lassman, who decided on the experiment when struggling to get his own novel published, told British media: “Getting a novel accepted is very difficult today unless you have an agent first. But I had no idea of the scale of rejection poor old Jane suffered.”

Publishers bemoan the fact that there are no new up-and coming authors, then reject nearly everything not from a Steven King, Danielle Steel or Tom Clancy. Even Writer’s Digest suggests considering self-publishing because of this contradiction.

July 19, 2007

No. 752 and 753!

Filed under: Horsehide Chronicles — Paul @ 3:49 pm

Rejuvenated Bonds belts 752 and 753.

CHICAGO — Barry Bonds was back in the Giants’ starting lineup for Thursday afternoon’s game here against the Cubs and didn’t waste any time in his pursuit of Hank Aaron’s home run record, smacking two into the depths and out of Wrigley Field.

At 753, suddenly Bonds is now two homers away from tying Aaron’s Major League Baseball career-best 755 and three away from passing him into first place on the all-time list.

July 17, 2007

Good One!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Paul @ 4:40 am

From Cox and Forkum, of course.

July 11, 2007

Calling Captain Nemo

Filed under: General Nonsense — Paul @ 6:23 pm

Giant Squid Washes Up on Australia Beach.

HOBART, Australia (AP) – A squid as long as a bus and weighing 550 pounds washed up on an Australian beach, officials said Wednesday. “It is a whopper,” said Genefor Walker-Smith, a zoologist who studies invertebrates at the Tasmanian Museum.

Giant squid live in waters off southern Australia and New Zealand – where a half-ton colossus, believed to be the world’s largest, was caught in February. They attract the sperm whales that feed on them.

The dead squid, measuring 3 feet across at its widest point and 26 feet from the tip of its body to the end of its tentacles, was found early Wednesday by a beachcomber at Ocean Beach on the island state of Tasmania’s west coast, the museum said.

And no, they didn’t cook it up:

For anyone thinking of a calamari feast, Walker-Smith said giant squid contain high levels of ammonia in their bodies as a buoyancy aid.

“It would not taste very nice at all,” she said.

That would be an understatement.

July 8, 2007

60th Anniversary of Roswell

Filed under: Junk Science Propaganda — Paul @ 9:37 am

Yup, it happened 60 years ago: Thousands Commemorate 1947 UFO ‘Crash’.

ROSWELL, N.M. (AP) – If you truly believe a UFO and its crew of bug-eyed aliens came crashing down here 60 years ago, rest assured: You’re not alone. At least 35,000 people have descended on Roswell this weekend for the 2007 Amazing Roswell UFO Festival to commemorate a purported flying saucer crash on a nearby ranch in July 1947. Participants have filled hotel rooms and nearly doubled the southeastern New Mexico town’s population for a few days.

My take on all this? I’ll simply quote Bll Whittle, who wrote a far more eloquent (and humorous) passage in his Magic essay:

UFOs, proponents tell us, are physical vehicles from other solar systems carrying large-eyed, small bodied beings who are so technologically and spiritually advanced that they can wing through the light years at will, carry objects aloft on beams of light, move through walls, dispense advice for cultural survival and administer anal probes. [Ed. Love the South Park reference.]

The constancy of the speed of light as a natural speed limit has been so thoroughly and completely tested and vindicated, that these aliens must have learned to harness the power of entire galaxies to bore wormholes through spacetime, which would be necessary to have these infinitely fast, staggeringly maneuverable, gravity-defying, super-hardened space-metal saucers in the skies over our planet.

Sweet!

Well, turns out that in 1946 one of these antigravity, faster than light, space-metal disks…uh…ran into a hill. The ultra-classified alien voice data recorder yielded a single sound: zzrrzzrrrD’oh!rrzzzrr!

Yes, in 1946 one of these ultra-advanced beings was arguing with the little podlings in the back seat, took his eye off the Iludium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator, and then came the Earth-Shattering Ka-Boom! right outside of Roswell, New Mexico.

They – The Government – recovered a few strips of crumpled aluminum. UFOlogists point to the picture of the Air Force officer holding up a couple of Jiffy-Pop fragments as “hard evidence” – but as for me, I’d like my anti-gravity, faster-than-light intergalactic hyper-dimensional space-metal saucer to produce something more than one-fifth the wreckage you’d expect from a Cessna 150 hitting the ground at 40 mph flown by some teenager experimenting with The Weed.

Heh.

July 7, 2007

The Rachelution Meme

Filed under: Self-Absorbtive Tendencies — Paul @ 8:04 pm

Writing like this is why Rachel Lucas’s blog has become a daily read: she took a rather boring meme and jazzed it up.

WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? WHAT INSULTING NICKNAMES WERE YOU CALLED IN CHILDHOOD?

Booger boy in the fifth grade: I had a runny nose and my mother didn’t provide me with enough tissue that day.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? WHEN YOU CRY, DO YOU LOOK UGLY, OR DOES IT GIVE YOU A BEAUTIFUL SAD GLOW?

I don’t know. I never saw me cry.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? ARE YOU FORGETTING HOW TO WRITE BECAUSE YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON THE COMPUTER?

I wrote chickenscratch all the way through high school, now I have earned my Ph.d as a doctor of medicine in this area: only pharmacists can read it.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? DO YOU THINK VEGETARIANS ARE INSANE? (BECAUSE THEY ARE.)

It is because of the progress since the start of the Industrial Revolution that people have had the luxury to create such novel eating patterns.

DO YOU HAVE KIDS? DO YOU LIKE KIDS? IF SO, WHY? WHY, IN THE NAME OF GOD?

Because I was a kid once.

IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? IF YOU WERE A DOG, WOULD YOU LICK YOURSELF JUST BECAUSE YOU COULD? DON’T TRY TO DENY IT.

Yuck.

DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? ARE YOU AS FRIGHTENED OF CLOWNS AS YOU SHOULD BE IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU?

Yes, be wary of clowns. Especially if their name is Pennywise.

DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? IF YOU COULD BE EITHER VERY BEAUTIFUL OR VERY SMART, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WHY?

Smart because knowledge is power. Beauty is only skin deep and lasts for only a few years in your twenties; ugly, which lasts the rest of your life, goes to the bone.

WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? HOW MUCH MONEY WOULD YOU REQUIRE TO HAVE INTIMATE RELATIONS WITH MICHAEL MOORE OR ROSIE O’DONNELL (DEPENDING ON YOUR SEXUAL PREFERENCE BUT DOES THAT REALLY MATTER WITH THESE TWO)?

Barf.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CUSS WORD?

Fuck. It can be used as a noun, pronoun, verb, or adjective.

DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? IF YOU’RE A MAN, HAVE YOU EVER CAUGHT YOUR JUNK IN YOUR ZIPPER? HOW BAD DID IT HURT? IF YOU’RE A WOMAN, HOW GLAD ARE YOU THAT YOU’RE NOT A MAN?

Have I ever? Every man gets it caught. This is like asking if a woman ever gets cramps at that time of the month. And yes, it does hurt.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO GROW OLD OR DIE TRAGICALLY YOUNG?

‘Going to grow old?’ I am old! At least I was considered to be so when I was laid off last year since I had to sign a waiver of rights to sue for age discrimination to get the huge chunk of severance cash.

Oh, and I’ve been getting AARP letters for almost 15 years.

WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? DESCRIBE YOUR MOST RECENT NIGHTMARE.

I don’t dream. At least, I don’t ever remember them.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? DO YOU WISH THAT, INSTEAD OF PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION DEBATES, THEY INSTEAD HAD TO BOX EACH OTHER, BECAUSE THEN THERE’D NEVER EVER BE ANOTHER DEMOCRAT IN THE WHITE HOUSE?

Nah, I’d rather have a WWE-style cage match. Now that would be sweet.

RED OR PINK? ABBA: THE BLONDE OR THE BRUNETTE?

Neither one ever captured my interest.

WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? WHAT DISEASE DO YOU MOST FEAR CONTRACTING?

I don’t fear any of them. I am going to die one day, no matter what I do or where I go, so no use worrying about it.

WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? WHO DO YOU MISS THE LEAST?

Too many to count. There’s a reason that Todd Rundgren’s 1978 album is my all-time favorite title: Hermit of Mink Hollow.

WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DO YOU HATE SHOPPING FOR NEW CLOTHES (10 BEING SO MUCH YOU’D RATHER CLEAN THE CAT BOX WITH YOUR BARE HANDS).

10. That’s one reason why I no longer work in an office, having changed my career choice to welder/sheet metal worker.

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE BEFORE THE LAST TIME YOU THREW UP?

I can;t remember the last time I threw up. I know I’ve done it since the time I got really drunk (see below.)

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? NAME FIVE “CLASSIC” POPULAR SONGS YOU HOPE YOU NEVER HEAR AGAIN AS LONG AS YOU LIVE.

Actually, there’s only one on the loathing list: Led Zeppelin’s D’yer Maker. Ecch.

IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? IF YOU WERE A DOG, WHICH BREED WOULD YOU BE?

Pit bull. Just because Rachel likes them so much; also so Sunny can kick my ass and get rewarded by laying up on the couch again.

FAVORITE SMELLS? FAVORITE BODILY FUNCTION? (COUGH, SNEEZE, BELCH, POOP, FART, YAWN, ETC)

Heh. Ejaculation during conjugation.

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU HAD A HUGE FIGHT WITH, WHAT WAS THE FIGHT ABOUT, AND WHO WON?

My wife. Money. Nobody won, because neither ended up happy on the end. As my union steward buddy used to say, you know the contracts good when nobody likes it.

FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? AS WE ALL KNOW, PRO FOOTBALL IS THE ONLY SPORT WORTH CARING ABOUT. IN LIGHT OF THAT FACT, WHO IS THE BEST NFL QUARTERBACK OF THE LAST 10 YEARS? BEST RUNNING BACK? BEST WIDE RECEIVER? BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER? BIGGEST PRIMA DONNA? WHINIEST BITCH?

Best Quarterback: Tom Brady, unless Peyton Manning wins another Super Bowl, because two championships and a slew of records will eclipse three championships. This is still yet to be determined, and will be so only after both of them hang it up.

I also add that the question is specifically the last ten years. If the question was the best active QB, it’s Brett Farve, hands down.

Best Running Back: LT. Nobody else even comes close.

Best Wide Receiver: Marvin Harrison, with T.O. not far behind.

Best Defensive Player: Brian Urlacher. Da Bears defense is the league’s best, and Urlacher is the centerpiece.

Biggest Prima Donna/Biggest Whiner It takes some kind of player to whoop Randy Moss in this combined category. T.O. is some kind of player.

HAIR COLOR? BALD MEN ARE VERY SEXY. DISCUSS.

I agree. Yes, I’m bald and sexy. Yes, I’m biased.

EYE COLOR? THE INVENTION OF THE PILL IS A GOOD ENOUGH REASON TO BELIEVE IN GOD. DISCUSS.

It didn’t take the pill for me to cultivate a belief in God.

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? DO YOU HAVE PERFECT VISION? IF SO, RACHEL LUCAS ENVIES YOU WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND GALAXIES.

No, so no need to envy me.

FAVORITE FOOD? FOOD YOU FIND SO REPUGNANT THAT YOU SIMPLY CANNOT BELIEVE OTHER PEOPLE PUT IT IN THEIR MOUTHS?

Cottage cheese. Brrr…I get cold chills just thinking about it. Also chitlins, which I’ve long called shitlins.

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? WHEN YOU GO TO THE MOVIES AND THE JERK BEHIND YOU KICKS YOUR SEAT CONSTANTLY, DO YOU IGNORE/MOVE OR DO YOU CHALLENGE THEM TO FISTICUFFS?

I eliminated the problem by not spending money in movie theatres…or at least going when the place is fairly empty.

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED THAT MADE YOU GET ON YOUR KNEES AFTERWARDS AND BEG GOD TO GIVE YOU THE LAST TWO HOURS OF YOUR LIFE BACK?

I am so picky with movies that this never happens. I’ve gone to the point of visiting spoiler sites to find out if I’m going to like the movie. Which brings up: why do some people get so upset if they find out the ending to a movie, to the point of claiming they won’t bother seeing it? I always want to ask if they ever see any biographical pics, since they obviously will know the ending?

WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? DO YOU EVER PUT CLOTHES ON YOUR PETS?

No.

SUMMER OR WINTER? BEER, WINE, OR LIQUOR?

Liquor. Beer is disgusting and wine is too high class.

HUGS OR KISSES? FALL ASLEEP OR CUDDLE?

Fall asleep while cuddling.

FAVORITE DESSERT? FAVORITE FOOD THAT YOU KNOW WILL KILL YOU EVENTUALLY BUT YOU DON’T CARE BECAUSE IT IS JUST SO FREAKING DELICIOUS?

Italian pasta. The kind that you can actually feel your arteries harden as you eat, and two helpings are required to avoid insulting the women who cooked it.

WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO DISGUSTED BY A BOOK’S ENDING THAT YOU VIOLENTLY DESTROYED THE BOOK?

Nope. I simply took it to a used book dealer..

WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? DO YOU HAVE P0RN ON YOUR COMPUTER? DON’T LIE.

Depends on what you consider p0rn.

WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? TRUE OR FALSE: “REALITY” T.V. IS THE BEST REASON FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD TO HATE AMERICA.

I hate reality TV, so its true.

FAVORITE SOUND? FAVORITE DRUNKEN SLATTERN: PARIS, LINDSEY, OR BRITNEY?

Brittney. Only because the first two don’t count.

ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? MOST DESERVING OF CHUCK-NORRIS-STYLE ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE THROAT: AL GORE OR JESSE JACKSON?

The GoreacleTM. Jackson has become insignificant.

WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? WHAT HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME YOU GOT DRUNK? ‘FESS UP.

I passed out; I got sick with the dry heaves. Boring, isn’t it?

DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? IF YOU COULD HAVE MAD SKILLZ IN DANCING OR IN SINGING, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WOULD IT BE FOR YOUR OWN PERSONAL SATISFACTION OR TO IMPRESS OTHER PEOPLE AND POSSIBLY GET SOME ACTION?

I’m a church soloist, so I already have “mad skillz.” Did it ever get me some action? No.

WHERE WERE YOU BORN? IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPERPOWER, WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE AND WOULD YOU USE IT FOR GOOD OR EVIL?

Wolverine’s power: to cure any wound, heal any disease; extensions of that talent sharpens all five senses.

WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? IF YOU NEVER SEE ANOTHER Q&A MEME AGAIN, WILL IT BE TOO SOON?

No.

Update: I corrected some spelling errors and other nonsuch. I’m telling you this in the interest of full disclosure.

I also want to add to one of my answers:

RED OR PINK? ABBA: THE BLONDE OR THE BRUNETTE?

Neither one ever captured my interest.

Female singers/musicians that did capture my interest in the 1970s?

Stevie Nicks.
Ann & Nancy Wilson.

July 6, 2007

I Volunteer!

Filed under: General Nonsense — Paul @ 6:59 pm

Company Advertises for Condom Testers.

MELBOURNE, Australia (AP) – A major condom brand said Friday it expected thousands of applicants for a new unpaid job on offer – condom tester.

Durex said 200 adult Australians – men and women – are wanted to test a range of its condoms.

While the successful applicants will not be paid, each will receive a pack of Durex sex products, a chance to win 1,000 Australian dollars ($857 U.S.), plus professional prestige, the company said in a statement.

“Who wouldn’t want to have a chance with an actual authorized professional?” Durex marketing manager Sam White asked.

Imagine what some of the responses will be:

Hopefuls must explain in their applications why they would make “expert” condom testers.

July 5, 2007

The NC-17 Post

Filed under: American Uniqueness, Self-Absorbtive Tendencies — Paul @ 7:54 pm

Sex, bombs and guns, pain, and rampant homosexuality.
Sex, bombs and guns, pain, and rampant homosexuality.
Sex, bombs and guns, pain, and rampant homosexuality.
Sex, bombs and guns, pain, and rampant homosexuality.
Sex, bombs and guns, pain, and rampant homosexuality.

That should get me to an NC-17 rating at Mingle!

Update: That only got me to R. Let’s try:

Rape, murder, pillage, death, necrophilia, violence.
Rape, murder, pillage, death, necrophilia, violence.
Rape, murder, pillage, death, necrophilia, violence.
Rape, murder, pillage, death, necrophilia, violence.
Rape, murder, pillage, death, necrophilia, violence.

Update II: Heh. That did it.

Free Online Dating

Mingle2Free Online Dating

July 4, 2007

The Champ Loses His Title

Filed under: Off-Mainline Competition — Paul @ 4:50 pm

Joey Chestnut claims it: No-Bayashi – Hot Dog Champ Loses.

NEW YORK (AP) – In a gut-busting showdown that combined drama, daring and indigestion, Joey Chestnut emerged Wednesday as the world’s hot dog eating champion, knocking off six-time winner Takeru Kobayashi in a rousing yet repulsive triumph.

Chestnut, the great red, white and blue hope in the annual Fourth of July competition, broke his own world record by inhaling 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes – a staggering one every 10.9 seconds before a screaming crowd in Coney Island.

I told you this would be a duel:

Kobayashi finished with 63 HDBs – hot dogs and buns eaten – in his best performance ever. His previous high in the annual competition was 53 1/2. The all-time record before Wednesday’s remarkable contest was Chestnut’s 59 1/2, set just last month.

The two gustatory gladiators quickly distanced themselves from the rest of the 17 competitors, processing more beef than a slaughterhouse within the first few minutes. The two had each downed 60 hot dogs with 60 seconds to go when Chestnut – the veins on his forehead extended – put away the final franks to end Kobayashi’s reign.

Geez.

Independence Day 2007

Filed under: American Uniqueness — Paul @ 5:51 am

Image by Declan McCullagh Photography

“These are the times that try men’s souls: The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of his country; but he that stands it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict the more glorious the triumph.”

-Thomas Paine, The Crisis, December 1776

Remember the words of this great document, as you gulp those grilled hamburgers and hot dogs washed down with soda, thanks again this year to USHistory.org:

IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776

The unanimous Declaration of the
thirteen united
States of America

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred. to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the United States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

— John Hancock

New Hampshire:
Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton

Massachusetts:
John Hancock, Samuel Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry

Rhode Island:
Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery

Connecticut:
Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott

New York:
William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris

New Jersey:
Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark

Pennsylvania:
Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross

Delaware:
Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean

Maryland:
Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton

Virginia:
George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton

North Carolina:
William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn

South Carolina:
Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton

Georgia:
Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, George Walton

Check out this National Archives website on the Declaration of Independence, including detailed accounts, high-resolution images and informative facts about the document and its history. Hat tip goes to Cox and Forkum for the link.

Speaking of Cox and Forkum:

Cox and Forkum

Leave it to them to provide humor once again.

July 3, 2007

No. 751

Filed under: Horsehide Chronicles — Paul @ 5:46 pm

Barry Bonds hits a two-run homer on a fly ball to right center field in the top of the first in Cincinnati, No. 751. Now only four away from Hank Aaron’s 755.

Duel

Filed under: Off-Mainline Competition — Paul @ 4:37 pm

It’s still on: Hot-Dog Eating Champs Go Eye to Eye.

NEW YORK (AP) – They stood toe to toe, eye to eye, and – most important – jaw to injured jaw.

Six-time defending champion Takeru Kobayashi, still unable to open his mouth wide enough for a typical teeth cleaning, joined favorite Joey Chestnut at a Tuesday weigh-in before their Fourth of July hot-dog-eating showdown in Coney Island.

The Japanese title holder declared himself ready to gorge, dismissing suggestions by skeptics that his stiff jaw was nothing more than hot dog head games aimed at rattling world record holder Chestnut.

“I don’t care what they think,” the 29-year-old said through an interpreter. “I just want to battle tomorrow.”

A battle it will be:

The two are among 17 contestants preparing for Wednesday’s eat-off, where the winner must consume the most HDBs – hot dogs and buns. Last month, Chestnut eclipsed Kobayashi’s mark of 53 1/2 in 12 minutes by inhaling 59 1/2.

I love this quote from NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg while introducing the pair at the weigh in:

“Many times … in the annals of sports, the eyes of the world have turned to our great city to watch worthy adversaries square off,” said Bloomberg, tongue in cheek. “What comes to mind is Ali and Frazier, the Yankees and the Mets, the Post and the Daily News.”

Heh.

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